


when the party's over

by daydream_jjh



Series: it comes in waves [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Crying, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, I'm Sorry Na Jaemin, Isolation, Mentioned Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Mentioned Nakamoto Yuta, Mentioned Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Self-Harm, dream aren't great in this, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27784999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydream_jjh/pseuds/daydream_jjh
Summary: Jaemin thinks that it isn’t so bad. It really could be worse.He spends a lot of time watching the clouds from the windows; he likes knowing the world is still moving even if he isn’t.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin/Everyone, Na Jaemin/Park Jisung, Na Jaemin/Zhong Chen Le
Series: it comes in waves [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2032720
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139





	when the party's over

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I'm back with a fic where I project all my issues onto Jaemin (baby I'm so so sorry I love you), but now I'm an outpatient for my ED I figured it was as good a time as any to post this fic, so here it is.
> 
> Again thank you to Mari who helped me write, rewrite, edit and then cry about this fic all over facetime. I love you the most and idk what I'd do without you.
> 
> again the eating disorder trigger warning is B I G as its like the entire plot of this fic, so if you're struggling or could potentially trigger yourself with this fic please avoid <3

Jaemin thinks that maybe life is a series of photos. A collection of snapshots, curated by his brain; they immortalise the most poignant and significant memories, the ones that shape and define him. Not all of the snapshots Jaemin has curated in his nineteen years of existence would be considered ‘good’, in fact, Jaemin thinks a large majority of them paint a deeply troubling image of the person Jaemin has become. He feels far removed from the childhood picture his mother keeps on the mantlepiece, his smile isn’t so wide, and his eyes aren’t so bright; he can’t quite reconcile the past version of Jaemin and the Jaemin that exists now. At this moment, this night, he thinks that maybe this will be one of those significant snapshots; a second chance at being Jaemin again. He absently thinks he’ll miss this view, a clear and empty sky that comes with the seclusion the facility provides. His window overlooks a large field that has flowers that glow in the sunshine, and the hills in the distance that meet azure skies make great subjects for Jaemin’s art projects. At night its calm, a wide-open sky that Jaemin sits and watches, counting each of the stars above him, playing dot to dot against a vast black sky.

Jaemin thinks about the snapshots that lead him here.

-

His friends don’t reach out much after Christmas ends. Jaemin tries to message them, both in the shared group chat they have and privately. He doesn’t receive much in the way of a response and even then the messages he does receive seem stunted and awkward as if there is a newly formed tension between him and the only people he ever considered his friends. So Jaemin does what he learnt to do long ago, he resides himself to a quiet numbness and pretends that everything is fine. He takes the train back to his campus, watching the world pass through the window and thinking of his friends. He wonders if they all carpooled back to campus together.

He drags his suitcase back to the door of his empty dormitory. His life continues as it always had done. Jaemin goes to his classes, he sits alone and listens to his professors as they speak, and he takes what he deems to be adequate notes, black biro scratched across his notepad. Jaemin goes to the library alone with his daily coffee from the student café and tries to work on his assignments, ignoring the sound of static in his mind. He goes back to his dorm room and sits quietly. He thinks. He contemplates. He cries. His life is reduced to a hollow shell he can’t quite rationalise. 

It is his new routine. His new tradition. Jaemin doesn’t break tradition. 

The ticking of the days continues steadily as Jaemin drags himself through a lonely existence, achieving adequate grades that reflect his wholly adequate work and his adequate existence as a human. January ends with a biting cold and February begins, the little blue note on his calendar indicating an approaching birthday. Jaemin sends a gift and a card to Jisung for his birthday, neatly wrapped in blue paper with a white bow. February ends, and the silence from Jisung makes Jaemin wonder if the parcel actually made it to Jisung’s house. Jaemin pointedly ignores the ‘delivery successful’ notification on the parcel tracking.

March begins, and Jaemin spends his weekend hunting for the perfect art supplies to send Renjun for his birthday, which he sends with a Moomin birthday card. The status reads the ‘delivery successful!” but Jaemin’s iMessage stays painfully empty. March ends for Jaemin as slowly as it began.

April is upon Jaemin fast, faster than he realises and the sun brings with it the first wave of warmth. Jaemin hides inside, safe in the comfort of his baggy hoodies, so he doesn’t have to expose any of his body to curious eyes. He sends a gift and a card for Jeno’s birthday. Jaemin doesn’t expect to hear from his former best friend. However, he can’t help the way his heart sinks at the silence that follows for the entirety of May.

Jaemin still manages to send a gift and a card for Donghyuck’s birthday, he resolves to stop checking to see if the parcels and iMessages have been delivered or not, not after the way ‘read 11:39 am’ that sits in the corner of his most recent message to Donghyuck stares back at him. Jaemin pretends it doesn’t hurt, that the way he’s been forgotten and ignored doesn’t sting deeper than any cut Jaemin had left on his own body.

June ends with the arrival of his parents and their big shiny black range rover pulling up in front of his dormitory building. Jaemin had packed his things up at the end of his first year alone, synonymous with the way he spent that year. Jaemin wants to think it's poetic, but really he just thinks it’s pathetic. His mother and father greet him with hugs, asking if he had said goodbye to all of his university friends, Jaemin sighs deeply and tries not to slam the car door as he gets into the car. They drive home quietly, the radio filling the empty space. His mother asks if he plans to meet up with his friends now that they will all be home for the summer. He doesn’t give her an answer, just shuts his eyes and attempts to sleep at least for a little while.

He unpacks quietly. His room feels stifling, a haunting memory of the person he was. He sits down with his parents for dinner and eats five slow mouthfuls. He misses the concerned gazes his mother shoots him in favour of tapping his fingers against his thigh.

-

“You know, I saw Mrs Huang at the store a couple of days ago.” She begins, sipping on her iced tea. It’s been three days since he’s been home. Jaemin is sat on the swing seat of their back porch; he’s attempting to read a book for his classes in the fall considering he has nothing better to do and nowhere else to be. Jaemin’s mother had brought out iced tea and peach slices and sat on the patio chair across from him, “Renjun should be back in a couple of days, he stayed back to make use of the art studio, the rest of the boys are home though- I saw Mark and his mother at church on Sunday.” She chirps, trying to make conversation. Except Jaemin knows all of this already; he still has their post notifications on for Instagram, he still follows all of them on Twitter. Jaemin is painfully aware that Jeno and Hyuck were the first two to come home, road-tripping back to their hometown, Jaemin knows that Mark came home alone, seeing his new best friend Wong Yukhei off at the airport. Jaemin also knows that Renjun is being picked up by his mother tomorrow morning, having stayed back to make use of all the studio time he was allowed now that classes were over. He posted a timelapse of him painting on his Instagram the other night, Jaemin couldn’t help but notice how much better at art Renjun has gotten.

“Well, maybe when all your friends are back we should have a little get together, celebrate your birthday.” She probes, “That would be nice, hm?” she changes her tactics when she’s met with the side of Jaemin’s face and resounding silence. “What if I let you borrow the van, and you and your friends can drive to the beach, would that be better?” she offers, her voice sounding too close to hopeful for Jaemin. Jaemin wonders if his mother knows that he hasn’t spoken to any of his since Christmas time. Jaemin wonders if his mother now realises how alone her one son truly is.

“I don’t know Mama.” He says quietly, voice fragile and despondent as he begins using the foot resting on the ground to push the swing in a gentle rocking motion, he doesn’t flinch when his mother gets up and kisses his head softly, and it feels like an apology. Jaemin spends the next hour wondering what on earth his mother has to apologise for. 

-

For the duration of that summer, Jaemin goes for walks on his own a lot. He takes his camera with him, documents the town he grew up in. He decides one afternoon that he should do the proper thing and go and purchase Mark a birthday present, given its almost his birthday. Jaemin had gone through the trouble of mailing the rest of his friends' gifts, and if he didn’t send one to Mark, he could very much upset him. Jaemin feels a little stupid considering his friends had upset him, but they didn’t know that they had upset him, so Jaemin resolves to pick a gift for Mark and drop it at his house, or maybe give it to Mrs Lee at church when his mother manages to corral him into attendance. Either way, Jaemin concludes he will get Mark a birthday gift.

He trails around the shopping centre and decides that none of these things suit Mark, at least not in Jaemin’s eyes, so he heads to the winding streets that hold the vintage and independent stores. Jaemin picks out some sheet music, a set of white guitar picks that he customises with Mark’s initials and a cartoon watermelon slice printed on them from the music store in town and a large jean jacket adorned with interesting patches and pins that he thinks Mark will like. He takes the gifts home, walking slowly and sipping from an iced coffee. Once in the safety of his bedroom Jaemin carefully wraps them up in gold wrapping paper, neatly writes the card out, he doesn’t put too long or sappy of a message because he’s not entirely sure what to say to Mark, or any of his friends anymore.

-

Jaemin wakes up early on his birthday; his parents have what they assume are his favourite breakfast foods on the dining table, along with a smattering of presents and cards from his family. His parents gifted him a new camera lens, some rolls of film and a new pair of shoes among a few small silly gifts. His godbrother, Yuta, sends him a large box of gifts from Japan, and when they facetime Yuta promises that before the end of summer he’ll come and visit his favourite family members. His older cousin, Jaehyun, sends him some games for his Nintendo Switch and some money in a card, with a note that he should put it towards some clothes or camera equipment or even coffee. He thinks he should message his cousin and his godbrother more than he does. At least he knows they will actually respond.

At lunchtime Jaemin takes his parents' van, loaded with snacks, drinks, towels and beach games and drives himself to the beach, nervously checking that his messages to his friends had sent. He hopes his friends will come, or at least if they need a ride they will message and tell him so he can come and pick them up. He arrives, and he waits, texting his friends that he’s parked up and waiting for them opposite the crystal shop on the beachfront. After an hour, Jaemin tries messaging again; he even calls them, leaving countless voicemails to all six of his best friends. He doesn’t leave the van, just in case they arrive and he’s not there.

It isn’t until 7 pm that he decides his friends aren’t coming, ditching the snacks and drinks on the sidewalk before getting in the van and driving himself home. Jaemin realises then that he’s spent nearly a year alone, wondering what on earth he did to his friends that made them not want him so much. Jaemin celebrates his 19th birthday by writing an extensive list of everything he hates about himself, the things his best friends probably hate about him; he’d ask, but he wouldn’t get an answer anyway.

Jaemin falls asleep that night wondering if he should even refer to the six boys as his friends anymore, or simply classify them as people from school that he once knew.

-

The day after his own birthday, and approximately a week after Mark’s birthday he walks the fifteen-minute walk to Mark’s house, rings the doorbell and waits patiently. The gold wrapped present had been sat on his desk and was just now a painful reminder of the friends he once had and the gaping hole they left in the remains of his heart. He was going to give it to Mark on his birthday, and then when Mark didn’t answer any of his messages, Jaemin decided to simply exchange gifts when he met with all of them on his own birthday. Except August 12th came and went, his friends didn’t text or call, and they didn’t meet him at their spot at the beach like Jaemin had messaged them all to. Jaemin doesn’t want to let himself hurt for long, just long enough to feel the press of sharp silver against his thighs and the way the skin there tears.

To Jaemin’s surprise, Mark’s older brother Taeyong opens the door, and he looks surprised, Jaemin isn’t so sure why. Taeyong asks Jaemin how he is, smile bright on his handsome pixie face. Taeyong tells him that Mark is in the garden with the rest of the boys if he wants to go out there and give Mark the gifts himself. Jaemin feels the hard weight of truth settle over him as he shakes his head and tells him he can’t stay, he doesn’t make up a reason because he can feel the bile rising further in his throat with each second he stands there with a confused looking Taeyong staring at him. Jaemin ignores Taeyong’s gasp when he stretches his arms out to hand the gift over, jacket slipping up over his wrists and exposing the marred skin and bone there. Jaemin turns as soon as Taeyong is holding the gift, walking away as quickly as his exhausted body can manage.

He doesn’t get very far before he begins to feel the tears. Knowing that his friends had either chosen not to invite him, or forgotten about him entirely casts something hot and painful within Jaemin. He isn’t sure which one hurts more. But he knows that his brain will spend hours at night debating it whilst Jaemin pressed more metal to his skin.

-

Taeyong is stood stunned on his doorstep as he watches Jaemin race off. He wants to call after him, to sit him down and talk to him but Taeyong doesn’t know what he’d say. His mouth won’t move to make words, so he just shuts the door as Jaemin disappears from sight. Taeyong stands there for a long moment, staring at the gold-wrapped gift he’s holding. The gift Jaemin had no doubt bought Mark for his birthday. Taeyong shakes himself out of his daze and jogs out into the open garden, still clutching the gold wrapped gift like a lifeline; like it were a chance to fix all of Jaemin’s problems. Except Taeyong doesn’t actually know what is wrong with Jaemin, but he can hazard a good guess after seeing his wrists. “Mark. Jaemin dropped this off for you.” Taeyong can barely get his words out between the shortness of his breath and the shock, his hands shaking as he drops the present in front of his own younger brother. “He, Mark when was the last time you, or any of you, saw or spoke to Jaemin,” Taeyong asks, urgency rising in his chest because he needs to know what is going on if his younger brother or any of his friends actually know what’s going on.

He watches as six heads slowly hang in shame.

“Mark, please.” He pleads, not wanting to believe that his own brother had ignored and pushed Jaemin aside. Not sweet Na Jaemin, who dyed his hair bright pink to raise money for cancer research after Jisung's aunt passed away, who would sneak extra pastries to Chenle during lunch, who would spend hours wandering the alleys to look in vintage shops with Mark. Na Jaemin who went to every one of Renjun’s art shows and clapped loudly in support, who gave up his Saturday mornings to help Jeno with homework, who memorised Hyuck’s complicated bubble tea order and always paid. Taeyong wants to hit the six of them for doing this to Jaemin.

“Christmas,” Mark whispers, but it feels so loud in the quiet of the garden. Taeyong turns away from his younger brother, overwhelmed with how disappointed and distressed he is at the state Jaemin is in to want to look at them any longer. “Yong, he was so quiet and skinny and pale and god- we didn’t know what to say!” Mark looks close to tears, and Taeyong sees the way Jeno curls up against Renjun, crying softly.

“So you just…ignored him? You didn’t think to ask your older brothers or parents about what you should do?” Taeyong is close to yelling. He can’t understand why Mark didn’t come to him about it. Why hadn’t Jeno asked Doyoung for guidance? Why didn’t Chenle confide in Kun about it? Why hadn’t Donghyuck consulted with Johnny, who had a degree in psychology? Why hadn’t Renjun or Jisung spoken to their parents, who were so close to Mr & Mrs Na. Taeyong just can’t understand why the six of them chose to ignore one of their best friends when he needed them.

Taeyong cuts them all off before any of them can speak or protest, even if both Mark and Donghyuck look ready to defend themselves, having sat up from their lounging positions indignantly. “Right. Did he have,” Taeyong isn’t really sure how to ask what he needs to? The words won’t form on his tongue. He can’t find a sensitive way to ask six kids if they know the extent of Jaemin’s self-destruction.

“Did he have what Hyung?” Jisung asks, head lifting from Chenle’s lap, his eyes are wide and innocent as he looks up at Taeyong. Taeyong can only think of how much this is going to hurt them all, how much the knowledge of Jaemin’s suffering is going to shatter them.

“Did he have any scars on his arms when you last saw him?” Taeyong manages to spit out around the lump in his throat when he can’t find a way to say it any more delicately than he has, but it still causes six boys faces to twist in a way he can only describe as panic-stricken. Jeno and Jisung now sobbing, and Mark has begun gently crying.

“I- We…Yong, I don’t know.” Mark sobs and Taeyong can only nod. He promises that he’ll be back, shooting off a message to all of their older brothers to come and collect them. When Taeyong calls Mrs Na and tells her the reality he knows she denies his heart splinters as Mrs Na thanks him weakly, tears thickening her voice through the phone line, and hangs up. Taeyong feels his heart split down the middle when the realisation that since December, a full eight months, Jaemin has been suffering alone while his best friends enjoyed their lives freely.

-

Jaemin thinks that it isn’t so bad. His room has a pretty view, and the nurses smile at him. His parents come and visit. He’s allowed his laptop and phone and even his camera. All things considered, being in a hospital ward isn’t so bad he supposes. 

It really could be worse. 

He spends a lot of time watching the clouds from the windows; he likes knowing the world is still moving even if he isn’t. 

Part of his programme requires him to see a therapist who makes him talk about everything. She probes him with each question, trying to figure out when this started and if there was a trigger; if there was something that made Jaemin feel this way. Jaemin just shrugs. He doesn’t entirely know why he feels this way, but he does. He simply feels it and exists like this. It’s a natural feeling to him, as natural as breathing is. He still talks to her regardless, he tells her about how the thought of eating makes him anxious in the same way that class presentations do, just ten times worse. Jaemin tells her about his best friends, former best friends, Jaemin tells her he doesn’t quite know what he should call them anymore. He tells his therapist all about the silence they gave him, about that day at Mark’s house.

Jaemin thinks she’s nice to talk to.

He doesn’t get many visitors. Just his parents. His grandma comes to visit when she can, although sometimes she doesn’t feel up to travelling the long distance, so he settles for talking through facetime. When his grandma does visit, she brings cards and plays games with Jaemin just like they used to in her kitchen when he was little. Jaehyun and Yuta call him, they spend time playing games online together, and they tell Jaemin that they’re proud of him, and when he’s better and out they’ll go to the beach together. Just the three boys, like they used to when they were kids.

“Jaemin there’s a young boy here to see you.” His nurse smiles at him, and Jaemin isn’t sure he knows who she is talking about. He doesn’t say as much, just cocks his head to the side quizically. “He said his name was Park Jisung?” and Jaemin sits up very straight. He didn’t think any of them knew he was here, let alone thinking that any of them would actually bother to come and visit him.

He goes to the meeting room, he can see through the glass that Jisung is sat there, playing with his fingers and chewing at his lip. “You shouldn’t chew on your lip. Its why it's always sore.” Jaemin says before he can think. It’s not a hello, and it’s not an I miss you, it’s a statement of the obvious. A statement that shows that even after all this time Jisung is still the same and Jaemin still knows him well.

“Hyung…” Jisung whispers before he stands up and crosses the room, gently sliding his arms around Jaemin’s middle and holding him delicately, as if Jaemin would shatter between his hands if too much pressure were applied. Jisung can feel his ribs and spine, can fold his arms around Jaemin and touch his shoulders in the most harrowing way and it makes him cry, sobbing into Jaemin’s now very prominent collarbone. “I’m so sorry Hyung, we, I, should’ve, I’m sorry.” He weeps, his voice coming out in ragged breaths against Jaemin’s chest, and Jaemin just sifts a bony hand through his hair playing with the soft tufts of blonde. He moves them to sit on one of the sofa’s, holding Jisung together as he cries. For the first time in almost three years, Jaemin doesn’t feel like he’s the broken one. 

They talk for a bit, and Jaemin opens up to Jisung, something his therapist will be proud of him for. Maybe Jaemin should actively start opening up to people as his therapist suggested. Jisung begins to cry again when the nurse comes to tell him visiting hours are over, and Jisung’s mother is downstairs. Jaemin tells him he can come and visit any time. Jisung visits more often. They talk, and Jaemin wants to ask if the other boys know, and if they ever ask about him. “They know your parents sent you away, because of the whole...anorexia and self-harm thing…they just don’t know where you are and they’re scared to face you. They, we, knew, and we didn’t do anything because we were scared.” Jaemin feels like Jisung is about to say sorry, so he holds his hand and tells Jisung if he wants to invite them he can.

“So why did you visit me Jisungie?” Jaemin asks, hand still holding the youngers. He wondered what made Jisung go through the trouble of asking his parents where he was, getting his mother to drive him all the way out here without the guarantee that Jaemin would even want to see him. 

“Because I avoided doing it for so long that I almost lost you for good Hyung.”

-

His friends visit slowly. 

Chenle is first. He comes with Jisung one day and Jaemin makes him pinky promise not to cry. Chenle agrees with tears in his eyes and then lets Jaemin hold him, letting Jaemin play with his now orange hair as Chenle talks to him about music and his trip to Disney in Shanghai and Kun’s new boyfriend Ten. When visiting hours are over, Jaemin sends them both away with a kiss on the forehead each.

Mark and Taeyong visit together, and as mark stumbles through an awkward apology and cries when Jaemin pinches his arm and tells him he’s forgiven. Still, he owes Jaemin a trip to the alleys and Mark agrees with no hesitation, wiping his tears on the back of his sleeve (Jaemin ignores the swell of his heart when he realises it’s the jacket he bought him). Jaemin thanks Taeyong for calling his parents, Jaemin doesn’t know what he would have become without his stay in the facility. Taeyong holds him tightly and tells him he’s just glad he doesn’t have to wonder.

Donghyuck and Renjun visit together. There’s a drawn-out moment of hesitant awkwardness as the three of them stand at opposite sides of the room, just looking at each other until Renjun breaks and reaches for Jaemin and Donghyuck, pulling the two of them into a messy hug that is just a tangle of limbs and tears. The three of them sit in a pile on the floor and talk, they apologise and catch up, and they all leave the room feeling lighter.

Jeno visits last. He comes alone, and they don’t speak. There isn’t a need. Jeno just holds Jaemin against his chest and synchronises their breathing. It makes Jaemin doze off in his arms, strong arms that had always propped Jaemin up throughout his life. Jeno presses soft kisses across Jaemin’s face and tells Jaemin that when he gets better, once he’s out Jeno will make it up to him. Jaemin presses further into Jeno’s hold and tells him that he has already made it up to him. The simple act of visiting and holding Jaemin with all the tenderness Jeno has is enough for Jaemin.

-

Jaemin had once thought that he was at the end of his story, that he was going to be taking his final snapshot and laying his collection of memories to rest sooner than anyone had anticipated. But things had changed. Nothing was perfect; he and his friends had a ways to go before they could be a group again. Jaemin wanted to forgive and forget, but his therapist had told him that if he wanted to move forward and actually build a stronger friendship with the other six boys that he needed to let himself forgive and for them all to learn from it.

Jaemin knows he’s going to get better. It’s going to take time. Some days will be better than others; some days will be harder than others. It’s a process. Looking up at the stars hung against the sky, Jaemin breathes deeply. Tomorrow will be another day, another chance to try and get better. Jaemin wanted to try.


End file.
